The Odessa Files Volume 2
by Revokov
Summary: Volume 2 of the REAL Odessa Files, my periodic satirical newspaper that influenced the Megaman version. I'm considering it "The Onion" fanfic. Read. Laugh. You know you want to.
1. Issue 1

**_YO!_**

This is the REAL Odessa Files newspaper, from which the Megaman one was born. It's very much like The Onion, which is why I consider it "Fanfic". What's on this site is Volume 2, all the stories I did in 2001-2002. (The issues tend to get better as they go…) Volume 3 exists, but it incorporates a lot of images. If you want to read the ongoing Volume 3, by all means link to my website. As usual any comments/flames are welcome. Feedback is fun. Now read and laugh! Laugh, blast you!

**TALIBAN MISUNDERESTIMATES BUSH**

_Omar Fails To Receive Subliminabable Messages_

By Baron Vince

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN-Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Omar released a statement Friday admitting that the ruling regime may have "Misunderestimated the capability of [American President] George W. Bush to blast us to tiny pieces."

This admission comes after American forces succeeded in destroying yet another of the Taliban's never ending "front lines". To add insult to injury, the Taliban is losing strategic bases like wildfire to the Northern Alliance, a group of the "real" Afghans.

Meanwhile at the White House, Omar's statement was received warmly by a confident President Bush, who flashed a grin at the camera and offered this statement.

"I tried to use subliminabable messages to get through to the Taliban," said Bush. "They were told to hand over bin Laden and the generals of al Qaida, and the subliminabable message was that if they didn't, we would blow them to slag." We at Odessa agree; that definitely goes without saying.

"I did not receive this 'subliminabable message'," said Omar, "What is a 'subliminabable message'? Is it more of that fool man's stutter garbage?"

While Omar—and the rest of the world leaders, at that—translates Bush's speeches into real words, American fighter pilots continue to seek out and destroy random front lines, Taliban camps, and those pesky Red Cross bases.

**MILLIONS OF TURKEYS ASSASSINATED**

_String of brutal murders shocks nation; farmer mafia under investigation._

By Baron Ziegfeld

ALL OF IOWA- Every year since the founding of this nation, during the month of November a hideous string of killings ravages the free world. The killers are remorseless. The victims are helpless. And worst of all, no one seems able to stop it.

Yes, it happened again; millions of turkeys around the nation were assassinated and their corpses were sold to merchants, who in turn sold them to the public, who were ever eager to devour what was left of the poor creatures. It's a gruesome ritual that occurs every year, and people have named it "Thanksgiving."

"No one knows when or why Thanksgiving really came into being," said Thom Rawlings, a professor of history at Some University Somewhere, "But one thing is for sure: it really brings out the best in people. People are usually generous, chipper, and family like for a whole day! This never happens. In fact, the only downside is that the human race cold-heartedly slaughters untold numbers of helpless turkeys to satisfy their lust for birdflesh. No one really knows why."

"It's because it tastes really good!" said Ernest Blomphmeir, an expert turkey consumer.

In addition to our prior questions, Professor Rawlings was able to clarify a bit more about one of the suspected origins of Thanksgiving.

"It's been said that two cults started this vile practice," explained Rawlings. "Apparently, when white people first came to this country they had a cult called the 'Pilgrims'. And these 'Pilgrims' aligned with another cult called the 'Indians' and in a bizarre cult ritual they rounded up a bunch of animals, killed them, stripped their flesh from their bodies and roasted it, and then finally consumed it all. This feast went on for _three days. _I mean, have you ever heard something so utterly disgusting?"

As it is November, turkeys are being assassinated by the bunches, and as usual, no leads are turning up. There is some speculation that the band of killers known as "farmers" have something to do with this, but such reports are still unconfirmed.

"We are investigating the tips," said Iowa's chief of police, who asked to remain anonymous so I wouldn't have to look up his name for the sake of accuracy, "But we can find no evidence linking Bubba "The Plow" and Cousin Yonkers to the crime."

As some doubt that these killings will never be solved, we at Odessa say, who cares? After all…

"It tastes really good!"

**CONDIT ADDRESSES BIN LADEN**

_"Phew!" says Condit._

By Ludwig

SACRAMENTO-Congressman Gary Condit, D-Calif, recently released a statement directed towards Saudi dissident and all-around-jerk Osama bin Laden.

"You did me a big favor!" said Condit. "But you're still a loser."

This statement comes after terrorists supposedly in the service of bin Laden's al Qaida network slammed commercial jets into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon on September 11, thus taking the spotlight off Condit's personal life, which was under investigation following the disappearance of his "close friend" Chandra Levy.

"What you did was wrong," said Condit after he composed himself, "but it did succeed in turning the heads of Americans towards what really matters, and not the personal dealings of one of their trusted leaders who may well be implicated in a murder plot. For a second there, I thought I'd have to put morality and respect for human life ahead of my political career. Phew."

Condit quickly denied being glad that thousands had to die to move the spotlight, and we are actually inclined to believe with him.

Condit had been affected with the serious Foot-In-Mouth disease for some time now since the scandal broke, but the symptoms are gradually beginning to recede.

BEARDUS TERRORISTICUS 

_It's alive!_

By Kou Cao

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN-Last week it became official: Osama bin Laden's beard was recognized as a life form with a mind of its own.

The beard, which strongly resembles a clump of steel wool, certainly looks like a hairy creature attached to bin Laden's face, and it reportedly eats, sleeps, breathes, and even excretes.

Osama bin Laden's beard (scientific name: _Beardus terroristicus_) apparently has a special place in what passes for the terrorist mastermind's heart, as reported by one of bin Laden's lieutenants.

"I have often seen Osama stroking and petting his beard," says the lieutenant, "And he occasionally uses affectionate titles when speaking to the beard, such as 'my precious'."

"We all hope our beards strive to obtain the level of success Osama's has," said a Taliban official. "We all want our beards to be happy. They are our best and only friends."

The fact that these men talk to facial hair should say something about their mental stability. As far as opinions on _Beardus terroristicus_, the people we interviewed do not, as usual, speak for the majority of the Muslim faith.

**NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT AMERICANS ARE UNBELIEVABLY PARANOID**

_Don't worry. It's not going to be ok._

By The Experts

WASHINGTON, D.C-A recent study conducted by The Jerk Who Is Sending The Anthrax has concluded that, in a breakthrough scientific statement, American citizens are extremely paranoid. However it could be argued that paranoia is not only a logical response to the country's recent Anthrax crisis, but it's a downright intelligent one.

"I ain't getting no anthrax!" insisted Duane Connolly, a mail carrier who reported to work Monday wearing a HAZMAT suit and a gas mask, "No siree!"

While America freaks out, we the Experts insist that there really is nothing to worry about. Despite what the news would tell you, most Americans agree with us.

The height of the paranoia was reached during the Spamthrax Episode, when thousands of Americans were fooled into believing that email attachments contained anthrax. We, The Experts, speak for the world when we say "What a bunch of goobers." Come on, email anthrax? But people bought it, and Microsoft was quick to capitalize on it. Their Anti-Anthrax patch came out last Wednesday and is compatible with Windows 98, 2000, but not ME, because frankly, nothing is compatible with Windows ME. This capitalizing on American gullibility earned Microsoft another frowny face from the attorney general, and they are in the process of removing their product from the shelves.

The anthrax threat is dying off, so we can put our gas masks away for now. Settle down, already.

It has been argued that the media is partly responsible for the panic, mostly because they won't shut up about it. Well, we agree, but that doesn't mean we're going to shut up about it.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR

New format. Merciless stories. New format. Better organization. New format. Ah yes, let's say it together: New Format. I and all the voices in my head…

Voices: Yo!

…hope you enjoyed this first issue of Odessa Files Volume 2. If you didn't, go jump in a lake. We pride ourselves in the delivery of Grade A Odd Stuff, so if you've got an odd story (that's all five of my reading audience…) send me the info. I'll be glad to bludgeon it with an eggbeater and give you my half-baked information instead. Until then…


	2. Issue 2

**KABUL FLEES TALIBAN**

_Capital city "couldn't take it anymore."_

By Ludwig

KABUL, Afghanistan—Last week, in a huge development in the ongoing War Against Terrorism, Kabul fled from its Taliban controllers into the open arms of soldiers from the Northern Alliance.

"I just couldn't take it anymore," said Kabul, during our exclusive interview, "Those [expletive deleted] Taliban were too much! They beat women to death and kept on cluttering up my streets with army junk. Also they smelt funny."

The Taliban was given the slip by the capital of Afghanistan, and they were forced to run away during the night. They hauled a bunch of foreign aid workers with them, whom they later released when they were relocating again. In fact, the Taliban has done a lot of relocating, since several of its cities have followed Kabul's example.

"Personally? I have a great respect for Kabul," said Jalalabad, which welcomed Northern Alliance ownership shortly after Kabul did, "In fact, Kabul is my hero. So there was really only one option for me, and I think I did the right thing."

A proud Mazar-e-Sharif, which was the first domino to fall in the Northern Alliance's string of victories, also had a few words. "I started it," said Mazar, "It was all me, baby. Without my sudden actions, Kabul would still be just sitting there getting shot at."

Indeed, not getting shot at would seem to be great incentive for Afghan cities to flee the Taliban, however some cities have remained firm in Taliban support.

"I ain't goin' nowhere," said Kandahar, the birthplace of the Taliban, "I created these guys, and I ain't letting nothing touch 'em."

President Bush responded to Kandahar's statements with his usual Frowny Face, which he uses when something serious is going on, and then he told Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld to push the Red Button, issuing this statement.

"I am deeply saddened to learn of Kandahar's opinion in this matter," said Bush, "but there is still hope for diplomatic resolutions to this conflict. I only hope that the results of the Red Button will bring Kandahar around to our way of thinking."

**CONGRESS TO ATTACK MEDIA VIOLENCE**

_Lawmakers plan to help kids get into real violence faster._

By Baron Ziegfeld

WASHINGTON, D.C—Congress took action recently to try and limit the spread of media violence, seeking to cleanse the evils that the violent material plants in the heads of children.

Led by Democrat Joe Lieberman, a faction of Senators and Representatives have agreed to push the Media Marketing Accountability Act, which punishes media sources for marketing mature material to minors. They also plan to further their crusade to attack other aspects of media violence, and ultimately shut it down for good.

"Media violence is an outrage," said Lieberman. "Just think about it. Every day, kids sit in front of their television sets and behold violent television or, worse, interact with violence via violent video games. This is absurd! This indulgence in pretend violence is wasting valuable time that could be spent partaking in real violence!"

Hilary Clinton, D-NY, supports the sanctions proposed by Lieberman. "Children were blasting other children's heads off long before the media had a direct effect on their lives. I think all my colleagues will agree with me when I say that no amount of pretend violence is equal, or even close to, real violence. Our children are being deprived of participation in a historic American pastime, and it's high time we did something about it!"

On the Republican side, John McCain was won over by Lieberman's suggestions as well. "Kids should not be watching people get mauled on television screens. They should go do it themselves, maybe even join a sports team. This way, they will get cheered for their violent acts, particularly if they choose to play football. Dislocated joints always bring huge applause, and team fights have always been a cornerstone of American entertainment. Why are we depriving children the satisfaction gained by having their parents congratulate them for 'showing that jerk who's boss'?"

Lieberman has long been an opponent of violent media, which he claims sparks definite violent behavior in children even though there is absolutely no scientific proof of this, but apparently the violence he claims is provoked isn't enough, and so he plans to defeat media violence once and for all.

"It's time for the youth of our nation to get back to beating each other up the real way," he said, "the American way."

**SHARON INSISTS ON WEEK OF PEACE; LEADERS DESPAIR**

_Fly, little piggy…_

By Kou Cao

JORDAN, Israel—Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has issued a statement that he would not back down from an earlier statement in which the stately statesman stated that he would not begin peace negotiations with Palestine, nor freeze Israeli expansion, until there was a week of peace. Sharon wanted Palestine to prove that, by being nonviolent for a week, it was indeed worth pursuing peace talks. This is fine and dandy except for one small detail: it's insane.

"Oh!" said Israel's Shimon Peres in between fits of laughter, "Oh that's funny! Oh boy! Ha ha ha!"

Even Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat got a good chuckle out of it. "This man, how much has he been drinking, lately?" Arafat got serious then, and continued. "He insists on a week of peace and blames us when it fails. He forgets that his own people must keep their weapons holstered, too."

The whole week of peace plan has been tried on numerous occasions, and some jerk has screwed it up each time. Therefore, world leaders thought they were getting somewhere after the September 11 terrorist attacks that took America by storm, when Israel and Palestine both knocked it off for a while. However, with old hostilities rising again, Sharon has resumed his previous position, meaning that chances of resuming peace talks soon probably just went down the toilet with a big whoosh.

"We're hoping that Mr. Sharon will eventually realize that a full week of peace is probably not going to happen," said Secretary of State Colin Powell, "and that he'll try to negotiate peace in the absence of peace, so that these two countries can agree on a new deadline, break it, and do all this again."

Hopes are indeed dim for a hasty resolution, and while this time the week of peace might actually happen, The Experts at Odessa are not very optimistic.

"One or, preferably, both of [Sharon and Arafat] need to put their foot down," say The Experts. "They need to call upon all their countrymen, as Mr. Arafat did after the September chaos in America, and urge a cease fire with all their being. Be sure to have a camera ready on this day, since those Flying Pigs will be something you'll want to remember for the rest of your lives."

So, are all hopes lost here? Not really, for as was stated earlier, a week of peace could happen. The next step would be allowing the leaders of both countries more time to sort out their differences civilly and agree on a situation that benefits both nations. The Experts were consulted on this issue as well:

"Did we mention flying pigs yet?"

**LETTER X SUES EVERYONE FOR SLANDER**

_Misused letter demands that people stop tacking it on to things that ultimately fail miserably._

By Baron Vince

X TOWN, Planet X—The letter X recently released a statement in which it declared that it was sick and tired of being horribly misused, and that it was fighting back this time.

"I've been tacked on to the dumbest of things," said Mr. X, "and it's giving me a horrible reputation. Therefore, I'm suing you—yeah, you, as in everybody—for damages stemming from the slander I've endured."

The letter L, a lawyer for Mr. X, was able to clarify his client's motives. "My good friend X has been added to things that tend to fail, and he's getting tired of the embarrassment. For starters, let's take a look at the XFL. Really, that's all I should have to say period. The XFL was the biggest failure of anything since…well, ever. It was an even bigger failure than Al Gore's drama coach. My client was furious at being used as a part of the XFL's name, and I cannot blame him. Also there's this Xbox gaming system from Microsoft. When compared to the other gaming systems out there, Xbox failed during its first week sales. People would not buy it, and those that did complained of crappy sound and poor games. My client didn't like being a part of this system's name, either, and again, I cannot blame him."

The letter T also spoke up in favor of his friend, Mr. X. "I pity the fool who adds X onto stupid stuff," said Mr. T.

**REPORT: DO NOT STAND UNDER GIANT FALLING OBJECTS**

_You can't catch them. It doesn't work that way._

By The Experts

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A new report issued by the Defense Secretary, of all people, states that it is best for people's health if they do not stand directly underneath giant objects plummeting from the skies.

"This is mainly geared at the citizens of any country receiving airborne food packages," said Secretary Rumsfeld, "I wish to make clear that when we drop the packages, which are big and heavy, from the air where they may speed towards the ground picking up much kinetic force, it is a bad idea to stand under them and try to catch them. This may bring agony and death, as well as ruining people's appetites."

The report also states that Americans themselves should avoid standing under heavy falling objects, such as ladders with people on them, unusually large hail, and cows.


	3. Issue 3

**SANTA TO PETITION U.N. FOR PERMISSION TO FLY AROUND WITHOUT GETTING SHOT AT**

_What's this world coming to?_

By Baron Ziegfeld 

NORTH POLE—Santa Claus, who has always been known as a right jolly man, recently bombarded a meeting in New York where the United Nations was meeting, demanding in a fury of holiday cheer that he be allowed to fly across the world without being shot at on Christmas Eve.

"This beard, it is not what you think it is," Santa Claus said during his address to Kofi Annan, "I am not a terrorist. You can all clearly see that I am not a terrorist. The bulky things in by bag are not bombs. My sleigh is not going to fly into a building. So I ask, when I fly around the planet and pass through several no fly zones and restricted areas and the occasional war zone—yes, I'm looking at YOU, Mr. Sharon—that you good people will not shoot a missile at me."

Mr. Claus went on to point out that his reindeer were perfectly normal, except for the fact that they could fly. Comet in particular was very adamant about the whole "don't shoot at us, because we are good" thing.

"I would like the world to know that my reindeer are good reindeer," said Mr. Claus, "and that my elves are good elves. We all pay our taxes and donate to charities. We even vote, occasionally. All I ask is that you let us do our job."

  
While Mr. Claus was fairly composed during this last address to the public, he has been under a lot of stress lately. The process of delivering toys to the world's youth is 

becoming harder and harder every day. Santa first has to produce the toys, which involves wiggling with the newly formed Brotherhood of Toymakers union, to which each one of his elves belongs. Then, Santa has to deal with his secretary, who handles the lists of those people who have been good and bad every year. The secretary, when not pleased with her working conditions, allegedly "goofs" with assigning gifts or coal to children, creating horrible mishaps for which Santa takes the blame.

Even when it comes time for the big day, the headaches continue. With the introduction of air travel to the world, Santa now has to clear with every air traffic control tower in the world before beginning his flight, a process which could take days, especially with that secretary.

"It's nothing I can't handle," Mr. Claus insisted. "I'll be ripe and ready for Christmas this year, just like any other! Ho ho ho! Just give me a second to get my passport in order."

**SOCCER MOMS OF USA GET IN CHRISTMAS SPIRIT**

_14 dead, 37 wounded._

By Kou Cao

MALL OF AMERICA—As the Big Day draws near, soccer moms across the country have been flocking to many malls, Mall of America especially, to pick up gifts for their friends and loved ones in a stampeding frenzy of holiday cheer that left 14 dead and 37 wounded across the nation.

"I love this time of year!" said soccer mom Lisa Gordon, "It's all a rush to spend every waking hour in one store or the other, frantically running back and forth to make sure you didn't miss anybody and that everyone got what they wanted. Actually I hate that part, but the music! The music in the malls this time of year is great! They have all kinds of Christmassy tunes that just get you ripe and ready to make a mad dash to the toy store with the new Harry Potter book that your daughter wants so much and beat the woman next to you to death in order to get the last copy."

The area where Christmas cheer was most rampant was in mall parking lots, where soccer moms frantically mowed down pedestrians who were in the way of hard to find parking spots.

"There were even some automobile battles," said police constable Jerry Toole, "These people meant business. They would go to any lengths for these parking lots, man. I mean, think a bullfight. The cars back away from each other, the drivers glare at each other through the windshield, the holiday spirit flashing in their eyes, they rev the engines, and one person's spark plug fails. They then have to walk home. I tell you, man, I just love this time of year."

One of the more unlikely victims of the Christmas Spirit is the mall Santa Claus. These brave souls allow many children, some with not-perfectly-clean pants, to sit on their laps and name the toys, games, countries, and what ever else they want to receive for Christmas. Soccer moms in the line hurl their kids with extreme force onto Santa's lap. In some cases brawls break out as to who gets to crush Santa's lap next, in which case elves named Vito have to step in to defend their boss. After a long session, Santa's lap is prone to falling off.

So what are you waiting for? Join in the Christmas Spirit; emergency paramedics are just a phone call away.

**OTHER REINDEER STILL LAUGH AT RUDOLPH; CALL HIM NAMES**

_"The novelty wore off."_

By Ludwig

NORTH POLE AGAIN—It seems that the other reindeer still laugh at Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, despite the ending to his theme song.

"We were really grateful and all when he led us through that foggy Christmas Eve," said Dasher, "but then the novelty wore off, and we got back to making fun of him for being a red-nosed freak."

"I know it's what's on the inside that counts," insisted Blitzen, "I know not to judge a book by its cover. But that nose, man…it's just…whoa."

Not only do the reindeer mock Rudolph, but they allegedly refuse to let him join in any reindeer games. It's not been confirmed exactly what a reindeer game is, but Dasher said they included elf-kicking and snowball fights.

"His nose has nothing to do with us not wanting him on our elf-kicking team," Dasher insisted. "He's just got awful aim…"

Amazingly, Rudolph himself is completely unfazed by the comments of his fellow Reindeer.

"Hey man, it's cool," said the hero of children's lore. "I can understand if they're a little jealous. I mean, it's not everyone who can become world famous in so short a story...besides, I've got way too much fan mail to answer to play any reindeer games."

  
Rudolph also had a message for his faithful fans. 

"I'll be coming right for you all on Christmas Eve! But if you see me kind of shaking and swerving from side to side, I'm not flying under the influence; Dasher is just kicking me again." He paused for reflection. "I do wish he'd stop doing that…"

**MAN FALLS DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH FLAGPOLE**

_Not quite Shakespeare, but it'll do._

By Baron Vince

TIMES SQUARE COURTYARD—Recently a story has circulated around the globe about the touching love affair between a man and a flagpole.

Apparently, on a cold, icy winter day, Michael Cartwright was found locked in a passionate French kiss with a tall black flagpole.

"He was just standing there, flailing his arms around and making these strangled screaming noises, which were obviously cries of passion," said Lieutenant Frank Drebin, (Copyright: Someone Much Cooler Than I Am) who found Cartwright earlier this morning. "I tell you, I've never seen anything like it. His tongue was pressed against that icy flagpole, and he looked like he was teasing it, trying to pull away, even desperately! But that flagpole loved him so much, it just wouldn't let go." Drebin had to swipe his handkerchief across his eyes. "It was just so beautiful."

Indeed, the loving bond between Cartwright and the flagpole was so strong it could only be broken by firefighters with an axe and a heating pad.

"Isn't it heartwarming?" Drebin asked of every firefighter. "Doesn't it put you right in the mood for Christmas?" The firefighters then proceeded to stare at Drebin.

Cartwright is in fair condition in Trinity Memorial Hospital, occasionally mumbling questions about frostbite of the tongue. His lover still waits for him in the courtyard outside Times Square.

Yes, I know what most of you are wondering, but no, the gender of the flagpole remains unknown.

**NEW REPORT ESTIMATES J. K. ROWLINGS WILL BE IN CONTROL BY APRIL**

_Is anyone surprised?_

By The Experts

ROWLINGS' SECRET LAB—A new report states that more than half of the experts we talked to believe that Harry Potter creator J. K. Rowlings will be in full control of the free world come next April.

Potter has taken the world by storm with his four adventures, and as Rowlings puts the finishing touches on adventure five, many fear the noose is tightening.

"This book'll sell like wildfire!" said economist James McShaw. "The public will be eating out of Rowlings' hand, even more than before!"

"It's scary, when you think about it," said a psychologist with a name too long to type. "Rowlings has created a series that burrows deep into the brains of its readers, keeping them hungry for more, kind of like marijuana, only the high is much better. All she has to do is write some subliminal message into her new book, and all the readers will pick up on it and do whatever she wants! For example, she could have Harry, say, lead a basilisk against Dumbledore and take over Hogwarts academy, and then millions of readers will start throwing garter snakes at George W. Bush!"

While people throwing writhing creatures at the President is indeed funny, we must look at the greater picture here. The only one standing in Rowling's way seems to be the Dark Lord himself.

"Phase One is complete," said Rowlings, conspiratorially, "but now I must defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and then there will be no resistance!"

While much speculation has turned up as to the identity of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, actual evidence has appeared that seems to point towards the head of a multimillion-dollar corporation that holds a monopoly over computer operating systems, but we're not mentioning any names.


	4. Issue 4

**BUSH TO AMERICANS: "YOU WILL ALL DIE!"**

_First State of the Union speech by popular President goes quite well._

By Baron Vince

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Bush gave his first State of the Union address recently to a gaggle of Congresspersons and other special guests, and did fairly well for a first timer.

"We were pretty skeptical at first," said Democrat Richard Gephardt, "and weren't really paying attention. Then he told us we were all going to die, and after that, we were hooked."

President Bush was stuck with a difficult political situation to explain to his fellow legislators, voters, and people-who-looked-bribable. Faced with controversy over American handling of war captives, the war against terrorism itself, the fiasco surrounding staggering economic superpower Enron, an aggravating tendency to stutter, and most importantly a certain incident involving a pretzel, it seemed like Mr. Bush was doomed before he started. However he proved everyone wrong and kept the American audience spellbound and captivated by using a brilliant tactic he calls "Scare The Hell Out Of Them".

"The terrorists are out there," said Bush during his address. "They're still lurking, still plotting, and still being aided. So you see that we must strike out against them, and the other countries that harbor them, such as Iran and Iraq. Otherwise they will roast our intestines on a George Foreman grill."

When it came time to discuss the country's sagging economy, Bush gave a very detailed and informed report of the economy's status, and then proposed several thought out ways of dealing with them.

"The terrorists are still out there," proposed Bush. "We need to direct many more millions to our defense and offense. Yes, I know that industry and agriculture could use some aid, but what would you rather be: unemployed, or being gutted like a fish by a terrorist?"

Bush also gave a detailed account of the war in Afghanistan.

"The Afghan leader wants American troops to stay in Afghanistan. Why should he fear the Taliban, I ask? All their base are belong to us, and bin Laden is on his way to destruction. It's other countries we need to worry about, which is why we should spend Social Security money to defeat Saddam Hussein, or else we'll be crushed to bloody pulps by terrorists in tanks, or something even more hideous!"

**PRETZEL NOT GUILTY BY REASON OF INSANITY**

_The Devil made him do it._

By Baron Ziegfeld

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—A jury recently returned the verdict deciding the fate of a troubled young pretzel accused of trying to assassinate President Bush. After thirteen hours of deliberations, the jury found Mr. Salty not guilty by reason of insanity.

Mr. Salty, a fresh young pretzel straight out of the bag, was always slightly troubled. His childhood friend Crumbly, who testified at the trial in his fellow pretzel's defense, gave us a statement.

"Back in the day when we were all dough, Salty was always having these weird ideas," said Crumbly. "Like, this one time he shoved Mort up this human's nose, which was cool because Mort was a total jerk. Anyway, Salty also had these weird visions, and he said that the Devil was making him do these things."

Mr. Salty's lawyer used this testimony to insist that Salty had always been troubled, and his past history of violence indicated a lifetime of neglect and rough handling by potential eaters.

"I didn't want to hurt Mr. Bush," Salty insisted when he took the stand. "That man just picked me out of the bag, and I thought, 'Finally, my life will have meaning!' And then the Devil Man, he just came and said 'You IDIOT! You're about to DIE! KILL him!' And then I lost all control, and the next thing I knew I'd been jettisoned from the President's gullet and I was all wet."

"I didn't need to know that," said Juror Number 8.

"We all recognized the special needs of Mr. Salty," said the jury's Foreperson. "Even though he committed a terrible crime, is it really fair to confine someone to a jail cell where they can't hurt anyone simply because they're possessed by Satan? We didn't think so. We're sure that now Mr. Salty can get the help he needs."

"I promise to provide adequate mental health care that suits Mr. Salty's needs perfectly," said Ross Ambrose, the pretzel's new psychologist. "I will make sure he gets all the latest state of the art treatments, after which I will probably eat him."

**ENRON JUST A "CONFUSED, MISUNDERSTOOD" RUTHLESS CONGLOMERATE**

_Corporation merely wanted attention, affection._

By Kou Cao

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sick and tired of the relentless assaults against his old company, Enron's ex-CEO Kenneth Lay finally broke his silence and issued a statement to the world regarding the economic powerhouse.

"Enron is not the ruthless conglomerate you think it is," said Lay to the public. "It is merely a confused, misunderstood ruthless conglomerate, and that, my friends, makes all the difference."

Lay went on to insist that Enron was tired of being "just another one of the Almighty Companies Of The Earth" and "wanted distinction from all the others. Enron just wanted attention. It wanted affection." At this point Lay burst into tears.

Enron, which has faced gigantic economic problems and even faces downsizing and death, though very unlikely, has been under fire for certain quote unquote illegal activities. Important files to the legal cases being thrown against the company have vanished, and to this day no one knows who was a part of the committee headed by Dick Cheney or where they went to, though it is speculated that they were all vaporized by the Vice President's pacemaker.

If Kenneth Lay's words are to be taken seriously, we have new possibilities to consider. Are the legal fiascos Enron is throwing itself into really cold hearted, ruthless Rich People tricks? Could the threat of bankruptcy be a desperate cry for help?

"Yeah, ya think?!" said the new CEO.

SHIT HITS FAN 

It's as bad as it sounds.

By Ludwig

BROOKLYN SUBURB—This story proves that the editor assigns me, Ludwig, with the worst possible stories to cover. Yesterday disaster struck a small suburban household when a phrase went on the rampage. The phrase left a mess that won't be easy to clean up, and the psychological effects of the phrase's attack will never be completely erased.

"All over the carpet!" said one of the victims, who made us absolutely swear not to name her. "All over the walls! All over ME! Where was the oregano when I needed it?!"

Yes, at 2:00 P.M. yesterday, the shit hit the fan and due to issues of political correctness I am not allowed to retype that phrase, even though I probably will anyway. When the phrase occurred, the substance was predictably scattered around the room, as the fan was turned on. No one was killed, though everyone involved wishes they had been.

Damage was dealt to the walls and carpet of the room containing the fan, and those in the professional career of interior decorating describe the damage as, in their sophisticated jargon, "smelly". The fan survived the attack, though police negotiators are still trying to talk it out of suicide.

"I always thought it was just a saying, you know?" said another victim who I pinky-sweared not to name. "'When the shit hits the fan, you'll be sorry!'" Let it be noted that it was the victim who said the phrase again, and not I. "But now that it's really happened, and I know how serious it is, I can't say it lightly anymore! Matter of fact, I can never say it anymore, period. Who would do something like this? I want justice! That fan better kill itself, cause I'm just sending it to the grinder if it doesn't!"

Authorities are stumped as to how the shit managed to encounter the fan, but a throw has not been ruled out. If that is the case there is a very sick individual out there, hopefully one with gloves. There is also the possibility that we are witnessing the first of a string of bioterrorism attacks predicted by Bush in the State of the Union in the statement where he said that terrorists would unleash devastating biotechnology upon us, and unless we devoted more money to stopping Syria the entire country would be plagued with Athlete's Foot.

**NEW STUDY STATES SLEEPING PILLS MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS**

_But it's just a possibility, you know._

By The Experts

WALGREENS—After a recent breathtaking experiment funded by five hundred thousand government dollars, it was scientifically concluded that sleeping pills may, in some but not all cases, cause drowsiness.

"We were getting lots of complaints from people using sleeping pills that they were falling asleep, usually while operating heavy machinery," said Dr. Stuart Collins of the American Medical Association. "While it could be argued that they should know better than to take pills when on the job, we felt it was necessary to make sure of the effects of the sleeping pills. Now that I know consumers can realize the exact effects of the medicines they take, I can sleep at night. Heh heh! Get it? Oh, I kill myself!"

The result of the study is that now you will find on the side of sleeping pill canisters a warning that says "May Cause Drowsiness". This is sure to be a great aide to consumers everywhere, just like some other cases the study cited. For one, a box of chemicals that had "Do Not Turn Upside Down!" written on the bottom of the box. Or, how about the brand of airline peanuts with the warning "May Contain Nuts"? Who knew? There was also a report on that warning on matchboxes that states "Warning: Flammable". This is yet another helpful hint that Americans probably never thought of.

The study insists it is not making any of these things up, and we, The Experts, have proven them correct by frolicking in the endless sea of knowledge that is the Internet. This is said because we want you to believe our personal favorite, a warning on a Swedish chainsaw that says "Caution! Do not attempt to use on hands or genitals."


	5. Issue 5

**CUPID RESIGNS; FATE OF LOVE INDUSTRY IN JEOPARDY**

_Stress played key role._

 By Ludwig

PARIS—Speaking from his hometown of Paris, the city of love, Cupid announced to a shocked world that he was resigning his post as the Lord of Love (better known as "The Guy Who Shoots Heart-Tipped Arrows Into Your Butt").

Cupid had long shown signs of tiring under his immense workload, but few believed he would take such drastic steps. In addition, many lawsuits and investigations into Cupid's private life have left the Avatar of Admiration disillusioned and overly stressed.

"I just can't do this anymore!" Cupid said to the crowd of reporters covering his press statement. "Nothing is ever good enough for you people nowadays. You all want to go cheating on each other, fall in love before I shoot the arrow, and do other kinds of seriously irresponsible and foolish things for which I get blamed. Well, I've had enough."

The Ayatollah of Affection was referring to several key points in his recent life. For one, recently he has been accused of breaking up thousands of relationships by sending happily arrow-shot couples off after other people, something humans call "cheating".

"It's not my fault your spouse or girlfriend or your dog wants to find someone else. Maybe you didn't love them enough! Ever think of that? But no, that would make too much sense. Let's blame the angel in a diaper with the cute little crossbow. Hey, that was kind of an oxymoron, wasn't it?"

Also, a lawsuit was filed against Cupid by a teenager claiming he used faulty arrows, and was failing to provide the services he is paid for.

"First of all I'm not paid squat," retorted the Emperor of Emotion. "Second of all, it's not my fault you people go thinking you're in love when I haven't shot you yet. That's right! It's not faulty arrows! I just haven't shot you yet! How do ya like them apples?!"

Finally, private investigators have been looking into the Dictator of Devotion's personal life, claiming that he has been involved in fraudulent activity and is hiding and/or destroying the evidence. So far, nothing has come up that really incriminates the Fuhrer of (Expletive Deleted), but it's not made Cupid any happier with people.

"Let's see how you do without me, then. You'll find out how much you miss me, just when you realize it's too late."

CHICKEN EMPEROR DEFEATED 

_Reign of terror finally over._

By Kou Cao

KANSAS FARM—Last night, in a stunning and major development in the ongoing War Against Terrorism, the chicken leader Feathers McGraw was taken out by a team of special operations experts, ending his reign of terror over us all.

Emperor McGraw was in command of the largest terrorist organization in the world consisting only of chickens. He operated out of a Kansas farm, and commanded a vast host of chickens spanning all the many farms in the Great Plains states. Only recently was action taken against him by the government, and according to some, it nearly came too late.

"Old Feathers McGraw…yeah, I knew him," says Shane Kramer, a regular in Dusty's Bar and Grille, a social center in the chicken emperor's old neighborhood. "He'd come in here, buy a few drinks, cluck at us, you know, the usual. Chicken stuff, mostly. Sometimes he would cluck something about taking over the world, but hey, we weren't worried. We were on his good side, we figured."

But in fact they were not, as Mr. Kramer goes on to state.

"There was this one guy, Dameon. Dameon was one of them guys who can hold a lot of beer, so he of course spills as much of it down his throat as he can. Well he was pretty messed up one day, and he picked up Feathers by the neck and flicked his wattle with his fingers, shouting something about chicken legs for dinner. Then it went all quiet.

"Now people," Shane Kramer goes on, "I don't know if you've ever seen a chicken get mad, but let me say, it's no pretty sight. We knocked over tables and hid behind them, and the bartender got out his shotgun, just in case. But old Feathers, he didn't say nothin'. When Dameon saw the shotgun, he put the chicken down, and Feathers just clucked a few times, brushed the dust off his down with a wing, and waddled out the door. We thought it was all over, but we were wrong. Dameon, the next day, he…he…"

Dameon Cross was found in an alley surrounded by chicken feed, which had apparently been thrown over his prone form as hundreds of hungry chickens approached. He had been pecked to death.

"These kinds of violent acts can no longer be tolerated!" shouted a passionate President Bush at a recent press meeting. "Feathers McGraw and all those who follow him will be brought to justice. Any farmer who feeds them will face the same punishments. Any state that harbors agents of the Chicken Coup (we at Odessa believe Bush should be impeached for this pun) will be subject to punishment as well! It's reasons like this why I asked for billions to be spent on defense. It's time to use several thousands of it, and defeat this mad chicken!"

The President noted after the successful assassination attempt last night that "even though Feathers McGraw is dead, the war is far from over. We will strike out at all countries that harbor chickens and/or finance them. Justice will prevail."

**LOCAL CHILD WISHES HE WERE A HOT DOG**

_Insists everyone will love him._

By Baron Ziegfeld

TOWN SQUARE—Local child Alex Stevens loudly proclaims to anyone who will listen that he wishes he were a hot dog. The 9 year old also insists that if he were the hot dog in question, everyone would love him. It is a case of identity crisis and false advertisement that has attracted the attention of the City's highest authority figures.

"I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener!" says Alex, at the top of his lungs. "That is what I'd truly like to be!"

"This kind of behavior is quite frightening," said county psychologist Alan Whitman. "At such a young age, little Alex should be concentrating on developing himself, and on accepting the way he is. The fact that he wants to be something else is bad in itself, but when you throw in what he wants to be, we've got a serious problem."

"I just don't understand," said Alex's mother, Mary Stevens. "Alex was always a happy boy, and never seemed to doubt who he was. But now…it just seems like he's not good enough for himself anymore. Have I failed as a mother? Have I? No, really, have I?!"

As if this weren't already serious enough, there is a second line to Alex's banter, and it is far more controversial.

"'Cause if I was an Oscar Meyer wiener," Alex explains, "everyone would be in love with me!"

There are several problems with this statement. For one, it brings the Oscar Meyer Company into the picture even more fully than it already was. Their company spokesman, Arnold Wilson, had the following statement.

"The fact of the matter is," says Wilson, "that our theme song is really catchy. We can understand if he wants to sing it at the top of his lungs."

Finally we get to the fact that everyone would not love Alex if he were a hot dog, because Alex is kind of whiny, and no one likes a whiny hot dog.

"We really can't joke about this!" insists Whitman, the boy's psychologist. "If Alex isn't shown the light now, things can get out of hand. His arms and legs may begin to recede into his body. He may get a very reddish tan on his skin." Whitman's eyes bugged out, in total seriousness. "He may even plump up when you stick him in a microwave!"

**ROACHES REJOICE AT NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTION**

_Utopia ahoy!_

By Baron Vince

HAMMOND, IN—The very many cockroaches in the Hammond area rejoiced today as the latest prediction of the famous Nostradamus appeared in supermarket tabloids. In it, Nostradamus predicts that the world will sink into nuclear war because of the fallout caused by the terrorist attacks of September 11.

"Hiss!" says cockroach Bzork IckHi. This translates into "My brethren are very happy about this latest prediction. When the human world dissolves into flames, all other life will die with it, and the world will belong to the cockroaches!"

If this seems like an oxymoron, it's not. Roaches are the only life form on Earth that have a high chance of surviving a nuclear holocaust. Therefore, if world leaders started a free-for-all with their Red Buttons, the cockroaches would soon be free to evolve into higher life forms and develop their own culture.

"Hiss hiss, hiss hiss hiss!" says Gluk IckLo, which means "Yay!"

When roaches saw the newspaper, presumably in a garbage pail, they all gathered together in a circle and began to chant in unison. "Hissssss hiss hissss hiss hiss hiss!" Which means, "Koombayah, my Lord, Koombayah…."

Many of the roaches were then stepped on by civilian Tracy Levin.

"I didn't even see them!" Levin insists. "They're everywhere, nowadays! It's like the end of the world, or something."

**BIOTERRORISM PROBABLY NOT GOOD FOR HEALTH**

_Despite what some would have you believe._

By The Experts

WASHINGTON, D.C—President Bush has been campaigning recently for a massive new budget to be spent on national defense. One of the President's key worries has been the issue of bioterrorism weapons suspected to be in the possession of al-Qaida and other related organizations.

"Bioterrorism will be good for our health sciences," said Bush.

No, this was not all he said, but that is the key part. We researched this statement, and studied issues related to it, and have concluded that no, bioterrorism is probably not good for health, because you'll be dead.

We of course know what the President meant, mainly "Bioterrorism will make us have to develop new medical sciences to combat it that will be helpful in other areas."


	6. Issue 6

**AND THEN IT HITS CAROLINA—THEY'RE IN THE FINALS**

_Out of thin air…_

By Baron Vince

DETROIT—Spectators watching the Stanley Cup Hockey Finals were recently treated to a rather unorthodox performance on the ice. The final round of the regular pro hockey tournament features the mighty Detroit Redwings and the surprising underdogs, the Carolina Hurricanes. Carolina seemingly came out of nowhere, and the shock that comes with suddenly rocking caught up with some of the players during Game 2.

"I was just skating around," explains Carolina center Rod Brind'Amour, "hunting the puck, checking the Redwings, you know, doing my thing, when all of a sudden it hit me—I was in the finals! I mean, oh my freaking God! We're _Carolina!_ And we're in the _finals!_" Brind'Amour went stiff as a board in the middle of the game and began to laugh in a fit of borderline insanity. However, he wasn't the only player to be overwhelmed by the shock of the situation.

"We're here!" exclaimed Carolina goalie Arturs Irbe frantically, waving his arms around and screaming. "We're in the finals! Say it with me, people! SAY IT WITH ME! _WE'RE IN THE FINALS, BABY!"_

"You're in the finals!" responded an enthusiastic crowd.

Carolina left wing Eric Cole led the audience and his fellow teammates in stirring performances of "Koombayah" and "We Shall Overcome". Meanwhile, Redwing Brett Hull scored a goal of Irbe; Irbe barely noticed.

"Where did we come from?" Carolina left wing Bates Battaglia asked the crowds. "How did we get here?"

"We don't know!" the crowd roared back.

"Is this not amazing?" Battaglia went on, all but orgasmic in joy. "This is the greatest moment of my life! Do you know if my family is watching me?"

"We don't know!" the crowd replied. "But turn around, damn it! Chelios just flew right past you with the puck!"

Carolina star Ron Francis was stuck hardest by the realization. He stopped dead in his tracks while with the puck and thrust his arms out and his stick back behind him, screaming "VIVA CAROLINA!" Redwing Sergei Fedorov caught the stick full in the chest and spiraled out of control, flipping over the wall into the penalty box at full force.

"I can taste my spleen," Fedorov announced as he was taken out of the stadium on a stretcher.

**POPE SAYS THAT PRIESTS "MUST ANSWER TO SEX CHARGES IF CAUGHT"; WINKS**

_Holy See no evil._

By Baron Ziegfeld

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to blow off—excuse me, take action against—the recent string of child molestations committed by Catholic priests, Pope John Paul and his Archbishops and Cardinals have satisfied the masses via the novel and highly effective method of not doing much of anything at all.

"Child molestation is a serious offense," the Pope allegedly said to his inner circle. "The priests who are linked to these incidents must be punished. However, we must not be hasty, or else we'll lose to the rabble-rousers who are blaming innocent priests for fun. We must have real evidence, wink wink. We must take into account the entire sensitive situation before passing judgment, nudge nudge."

The council of Archbishops went throughout the world proclaiming the intentions of the Catholic church to end child molestation within its ranks, or at the very least get the priests to start molesting children of the proper gender.

"Pedophilia _and _homosexuality," Francis Cardinal George of Chicago observed sourly. "These are two of the greatest evils in the eyes of the Church. Both must be stopped, but we must be careful and level headed about it, if you get my drift, heh heh, yeah…"

"Priests who molest children may not continue to preach," the Vatican decided. "Unless, of course, they undergo strict psychological therapy instead of going to jail like any other such monster would. In that case, we're more than happy to release them back into the world."

"Also," the Vatican stipulated, "priests who commit these crimes cannot be charged after thirty years or so, because they preyed on impressionable children who would never have been able to come forward before now without fear. After all this time, well, we in the Church believe in letting bygones be bygones. Forgiveness, and all that."

"That's bunk! Kill the slimy creeps!" said the molested youths.

"What kind of an attitude is that?" Cardinal George responded. "Jesus would be ashamed. Did he die on the cross so that we could carry petty grudges? No, I think not."

When asked if the apparent reluctance to remove priests had anything to do with the drastic drought of available clergymen, the Vatican replied that it was nothing of the sort, and no they did not have evidence to support that statement, and they suddenly remembered an important meeting they had to go to.

**ISRAELI TANK COMMANDERS GETTING TIRED OF THIS QUARANTINE CRAP**

_Arafat: "Quarantine starting to lack in originality."_

By Ludwig

RAMALLAH—Israel's army surrounded Yasser Arafat's office compound in Ramallah in response to a suicide bombing that killed seventeen Israelis in a bus, leaving Arafat hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned. Again.

This is the umpteenth time that Arafat has been quarantined in his office during the Middle Eastern crisis, and experts agree that the whole "surrounded by high-tech tanks" thing is starting to lose its threatening aura.

"Mr. Arafat has been pretty bored with the whole thing," a Palestinian official said. "We've even begun to fix the quarantines into his schedule. Get up, denounce the Jews, meet with the terrorist cell of the day, blow up a few Israeli malls, maybe even raid a temple, come home, eat dinner, get quarantined, complain to President Bush, obtain freedom, laugh in Sharon's face, go to bed, get up next day and start over."

"It's getting so that we can't get a wink of sleep around here, what with all those infidels out and about," said Abdul Binyamir, a bodyguard for Arafat. "Here I am, trying to do my job, and those over-muscled racists are out there trying to get rid of the man who has brought Palestine so far on its way to the total extermination of Israel and the creation of a Palestinian state. It's repulsive, I tell you, simply repulsive."

The general consensus is that, indeed, Israel has played the tank card too many times.

"Did you hear?" a Palestinian man said as he played cards with his friends. "Yasser Arafat, our leader and beloved patriot, has been surrounded by lethal tanks and enraged Israeli gunmen! Got any 8s?"

"Really?" the friend replied. "That was fast. There's usually another week or so in between quarantines. Go fish."

Israeli tank commanders are raising the most complaints about the topic.

"It's too much for my men and I!" said one General Zadin. "We break out the cavalry and move on forward and then we stop _here!_ Right here! All the time! Never further! We are so close to this man who kills our civilians and we cannot blow him to bits and solidify our hold on the Holy Land. Do you know how hard it is to maintain these troops when they're this close to such a great thing? Do you? DO YOU?"

The United States had some advice for Prime Minister Sharon as to more effective ways of showing Arafat that Israel means business.

"We too agree that the quarantine is losing its aura of mightiness," said Defense Minister Donald Rumsfeld. "Perhaps in the future, Israel should use other, more creative methods. For instance, maybe they could unleash a pack of wild boars on the compound. They'd all be shot down before they got close, but boy, wouldn't that grab people's attention! Or, even better, you could load up a hot air balloon with feces and shoot it down right over Arafat's compound. Again, no harm done, but it really sends a message better than massive, armored, heavily-armed war machines, don't you think?"  America knows best about maintaining image. Right, Clinton?

"Forget the quarantine, I say," Prime Minister Sharon said when questioned. "I say, just shoot the guy in the face. …Did I say that out loud?"

**4 GALAXIES COLLIDE IN OUTERSPACE PILEUP—NOW ISN'T _THAT_ OMINOUS?**

_Big bang._

By Kou Cao

NASA HQ—A recently reactivated portion of the Hubble Space Telescope photographed a massive astral pileup several galaxies down the road. It seems that four separate galaxies smashed together in a fury of lights and colors to rival even Las Vegas. Now, isn't that just the best news you've heard all week?

"Wow!" exclaimed astronomer Lucy Hawke. "It was so cool! You could just _see _how the vast and perhaps populated galaxies were smushed together and mashed like grapes under a steamroller. It was like the Fourth of July, what with all the colors! Fireworks were never this cool!"

"It was easily the most interesting sight I've seen in years," astronomer James Diffiden said. "Can you imagine the incredible heat and explosive energy that would be created when a galaxy, say, the Milky Way, crashed into another galaxy and erupted in a series of cosmic explosions that left no one area untouched until the galaxies scraped by and all was calm again? Now if that isn't wicked cool, I just don't know what is!"

"Oh, we have nothing to worry about," says astronomy scholar Brett Harper. "The Milky Way is many light years away from this quadruple collision. Judging from these photos…can you imagine a head on collision between a tractor-trailer and a Volkswagen Beetle on a highway? There you have it!"

"Of course," Harper goes on, "our nearest neighbor hasn't been inching towards us or anything. Well, not that we know of, anyway. Galaxies! You just can't keep a handle on them. Wild, unruly, and rambunctious, I say! But, you've just got to love the little darlings."


	7. Issue 7

**COLORADO SELF-DESTRUCTS**

_The heat is on._

By Baron Vince

DENVER—Colorado has spent the past week implementing its self-destruct mechanism, causing most of the state to erupt in nearly unquenchable flames that have almost but not quite neutralized the state in its entirety.

The decision to destroy itself came after weeks of stress amplified by the defeat of its hockey team at the hands of Detroit, Michigan. Colorado's meager population played another key role. It feels left out of world affairs, being as it only has a timy amount of electoral votes. In short…well, if you could do it, wouldn't you?

"I'm useless," Colorado summarized. "There's just nothing left. I've done everything I can do, which isn't much. I've hosted the Grand Canyon for some years, but I figure I ought to start sharing. I know Wyoming has been pining for the Canyon lately, but I don't know…I don't see Wyoming sharing Yellowstone, do you? Denver's really high up, so I guess that's an interesting perk…but, no, it just makes everyone who comes to visit piss and moan about the headaches that come with a sudden increase in altitude. Excuse me! I'm just one state, here. I can't change the world. Hell, I can't even change myself. Goodbye, cruel world!"

For those of you who live in Colorado, it is probably a little too soon to start worrying. Colorado has done this conflagration thing before and always it backs off, usually with help from Utah.

"Colorado just needs to stop feeling sorry for itself," Utah insists. "That's how it always is. Colorado never handled its liquor well, y'see. So, occasionally it gets depressed and thinks that the whole entire world is coming down on it. But once someone, usually me, forces ol' Col to snap out of it, things get better fast."

Colorado's self-destruct mechanism is composed of the sun. The sun produces heat, which reduces the chance of rainfall. This coupled with the average competence of human campers produces roaring forest fires that spread throughout the state like…well, like wildfire. Firefighters fight in vain until Colorado regains some self-esteem and calls the whole thing off.

"Sorry guys," Colorado will say sheepishly. "False alarm."

Of course, the most common response to this article will be, "Does Washington, D.C., more specifically the Congress buildings, have one of these self-destruct things, and if so, can it not be a false alarm?"

**SADDAM REALLY HATES IT WHEN WE GO AND DO THAT**

_Whatcha gonna do when 'dey come for you?_

By Baron Ziegfeld

BAGHDAD—Iraqi president Saddam Hussein reportedly "really hates it when America goes and tells the CIA to bring his head to President Bush in a paper bag".

"This is horrible," observed Saddam. "I'm no stranger to hiding myself like a little wussy, but it's always a struggle to do so. I have to go and restock my shelter, and if you think _American _canned food sucks, wait till you get a load of Iraqi supplies! Then I have to go through all the trouble of putting my military on full alert, hiding my illegal biological and nuclear programs even further, getting a platoon of loyal bodyguards, oh, the list goes on and on. Desert Storm was bad enough…now I have to put up with the CIA in private, without a war going on in the background? What is that? Come on, people, at least make it fair!"

The Central Intelligence Agency recently received orders from on high to bring down Saddam Hussein, peacefully if possible (wink, nudge) and if that fails they can resort to elimination.

"It's not much fun for us, either," CIA Director George Tenet explained. "We have to go through all this red tape to make sure that we do in fact have a license to kill, and then we have to do all these reports and handle all this information about where Hussein may be, who is with him, where his illegal programs are…who am I kidding, this is the most fun I've had in years! We get to take out one of the world's king terrorists, and it'll even be legal!"

"I wish the CIA would stop doing that," Saddam's psychologist said. "Saddam gets all upset and paranoid when they go and do that 'assassinate the evil dictator' thing. It's nothing less than horrible…occasionally he'll shoot an advisor that looks at him funny, or refuse to ride in a vehicle that has any potential whatsoever of stopping. It's just so damnably annoying, and I'm the one who has to put up with it."

The Central Intelligence Agency has been looking for a way to do this peacefully, but according to Tenet, "Peace is a very difficult word to define. I mean, would you say peace is 'please, sir, we need you out of office now, it's time,' or would you define it as 'get the hell out of here right this instant, you slimy, Kuwaiti-killing, oil-hording, terrorist-promoting, evil bastard or we will kill you with blunt objects'? It's very complicated."

**VULGAR, REBELLIOUS MUSICIAN RECEIVES KNIGHTHOOD IN ENGLAND; EMINEM PERKS UP**

_Shady's back._

By Ludwig

LONDON—Musician Mick Jagger, the vulgar, rebellious rock star of Rolling Stones fame, recently received a knighthood in England for entertaining the public for so long. Hearing that a man of this caliber could indeed get places in life, American rapper Eminem suddenly received a new hope for the future.

Eminem, also known as Slim Shady or Marshal Mathers, has experienced a rather rocky road to stardom. His songs, which include The Real Slim Shady and Stan, often convey violent, vulgar emotions and opinions. He degrades women and trashes fellow stars.

"Hello!" Eminem commented, "this is RAP! Rap is all ABOUT violence, vulgarity, degradation towards women, and insulting others! Everyone does it! Why should it make a difference if I do?"

"Whatchoo talkin' bout!" black rapper P Diddy responded. "That boy is WHITE! That makes ALL the difference! Whites aren't ALLOWED to be vulgar."

Many government agencies have chastised Eminem for his lyrics, and for a while it looked as though he had retreated into the shadows as a forgotten icon of what music shouldn't be. However, Jagger's knighthood has given Eminem renewed hope that if he continues to be vulgar and rebellious, he will go far in life, as per the American Dream.

"If he could do it," Eminem said rationally, "so can I. And if I can't, I'll bash Jagger in my next song."

"Shady's back," background singers announce in Eminem's new hit, Without Me.

"Back and better than ever!" he insists.

**"CLEAN BOMB" CONFUSES HELL OUT OF AUTHORITIES**

_Chicago is saved (?)_

By Kou Cao

CHICAGO—A device went off near the Sears Tower today that sprayed cleansing particles throughout the Chicago air, purifying the toxic elements caused by industrial pollution. These same particles purified Lake Michigan and all the suburbs surrounding Chicago. This "clean bomb" was planted by an Arab national and may or may not be an act of terrorism, but at the moment the FBI simply has no idea what the hell is going on.

"I don't understand it," said Agent Stephen Baker. "This Arab, he is on our list of potential terrorist free agents, but we have no idea what group might have contracted him for this job, and even once we pin that down, we have to figure out _why. _If you ask me, this whole operation seems redundant. Either bin Laden suffered some serious brain damage or he's trying to fool us somehow."

"I come to America to spread the purity of goodness," said clean-bomber suspect Yousef Rajim. "Let the blessings of Allah clean your homeland and your bodies." Rajim then grinned knowingly.

Al-Qaida officials released a tape showing a smug Osama bin Laden, who apparently did not get blown to bits during the war in Afghanistan. A voice in the background kept interrupting bin Laden's speech, asking if he had anything to do with the clean-bomb in Chicago. Bin Laden just put on an impassive grin. This same voice then asked what the purpose was. "I have no idea what you are talking about," bin Laden replied with a wink.

"I can breathe!" Chicago resident Wilma Clarkson realized, frolicking in her now-healthy garden. "It's so wonderful! I can't detect even one amount of toxic vapor! Oh, what a wonderful feeling! It's like I'm in the mountains!"

FBI and CIA officials wore perpetual frowns as they searched the entire Chicago area, taking air samples and scanning for every known disease, finding nothing. FBI Director Muller suspected that possibly this is a ploy to make Americans sympathize with al-Qaida, but given as al-Qaida's last communiqué with America involved planes smashing into buildings, this seems unlikely.

"What in the hell?!" Director Muller asks for us all.

**NEW REPORT WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS**

_…_

By The Experts

PARK BENCH—Good morning Mr. Phelps. A recent study conducted by the American Medical Association produced a report that will self destruct in five seconds you are on your way to destruction watch out for Charlies in the trees.

The report was produced by actor Tom Hanks, who has absolutely nothing to do with the American Medical Association but does believe that there's no place like home here's lookin' at you kid.

The report, which has not self destructed yet, was inspired by the real life experiences of actor Christopher Reeve, who's brave battle with paralysis has made us all say riddle me this riddle me that who's afraid of the big bad bat Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can.

The report has not yet been released to the public, but this will happen when the scientist named Bond, James Bond, figures out what you did last summer Luke I am your father.

We will provide continuing coverage of the report as it develops along came a spider I'll be back.

_EDITOR'S NOTE: _My first warning should have been when The Experts wanted to know what a "bong" was, shortly before they departed for a film convention. My apologies.


	8. Issue 8

**BEAVERS LAUNCH COUP IN CANADA**

_Eh?_

By Kou Cao

TORONTO—Canada's government was suddenly and alarmingly usurped today by a group of revolutionists consisting entirely of beavers.

The coup began at approximately 8 this morning, when a career beaver known only as Mr. B casually entered the Parliament building with his twenty colleagues. Once safely inside, the beaver squad suddenly and forcefully attacked all the security guards and cornered Prime Minister Chretien in his office.

"I remember it was kind of weird watching an organized platoon of beavers marching into the building," security guard Nate Nichols said, after receiving medical attention for several bites and scratches. "I thought it was some kind of children's show. You know, local circus, or something. I mean, sure we have security measures and all, what with the terrorist business. But who plans for beaver commandos, eh?"

"They just became whirling blurs of fur," Tommy Cole, a member of Chretien's security detail, said. "Boom, bang, cut, scrape, and we're down! There was nothing I could do. Beavers have teeth to cut down _trees_. They went right through our weak human flesh."

Authorities, with the help of a translator fluent in beaver, have recently made contact with Mr. B, who demands that the French—I mean, Canadian government surrender all power to him or risk bits and pieces of their leader thrown out a window.

"The time has come, my brethren!" Mr. B said in a live broadcast to the world's beaver population. "No longer will we stand around and gnaw on trees while the humans destroy our homeland around us. Now, _we_ will watch the _humans_ gnaw on trees, while _we_ destroy their homes around _them_!" He even added a horrific beavery cackle.

"Beavers of America," Mr. B called out. "Join me in this victory over the British—I mean, the Canadian government!"

"So like, I was chewing on this redwood, yeah? And this anteater, just out of _nowhere_…yeah, what?" asked America's beavers.

"Didn't you hear?" Mr. B asked in alarm. "We took over Canada!"

"Big deal," America's beavers responded. "It's not like they have weapons."

"They do so have weapons!"

"Well…it's also really small."

"It is most certainly not small! It's as big or bigger than the USA!"

"Yeah, well…so anyway, this anteater, he just _totally _disses my tree, man, he's just like…"

"Ingrates," grumped the new leader of America 2—I mean, Canada.

**MOTHER EARTH, FATHER TIME FILE FOR DIVORCE**

_You know what they say about celebrity marriages…_

By Baron Ziegfeld

REALM OF THE MIGHTY—Today, in a landmark move that leaves the future of the world in serious question, Mother Earth and Father Time filed suddenly for divorce after several eons of peaceful coexistence. 

This surprise action left friends and family members of the involved parties shocked and confused.

"None of the signs were there," said the Rivers, Mountains, and Valleys, Mother Earth's favorite children. "I mean, sure, dad came home drunk once in a while, but what did that hurt? A brief screw up in the international time zones, watches shorting out, nothing serious. And sure mom has her mood swings…just look at El Nino. But a divorce? Well, no one even considered it!"

"All we can say is, we're glad we're not them," said the Seconds, Minutes, and Hours, Father Time's favorites, about the Rivers, Mountains, and Valleys. "We can exist without a planet to guide us. They can, too, I suppose, but without time things get all screwed up and out of place."

"Look, I'm sorry, all right?" Father Time said to alarmed reporters. "But I just can't take that broad's yelling and screaming anymore. I mean, normal people would just vent their anger by punching a pillow, or something. But her? No, she has to go and cause an earthquake, or blow some big volcano, and _then _she's only mildly irked. Who gets the rest of the antipathy, you ask? Not you, pals. Me. And I'm sick of it."

"He's such a goddamned elitist," Mother Nature said to her own gaggle of reporters. "Him and his punctuality. Sure, it was nice while we were dating…he was never late to a date, not even once. But now, there has to be a schedule for everything, and if we don't stick to it like glue, the world ends, or something! And when I protest, he just takes that tone and tells me to 'stick to my area of expertise, while he handles his'. Hah. Who needs time, anyway? That's what kills people. Guns don't kill people, Time kills people!"

Lawyers for Mother Earth and Father Time are currently locked into heated disputes as to who gets what. Never before has there been a divorce of such magnitude, magnitude 8 to be exact, and the half-and-half rule is hard to apply here. A tentative offer is to give Mother Earth all the rainforests and nice places that humans haven't ruined yet, and then give the said humans to Father Time so he can make their schedules for the rest of eternity. Father Time said he was seriously considering this offer, as was Mother Earth, who liked the idea of getting even with the human pricks that kept poking holes in her.

**LOCAL COWS GO HUMAN TIPPING**__

_Cows have fun._

By Ludwig

LOWELL, IN—In an effort to get back at the human pranksters who like to disturb the peaceful slumber of innocent bovines, a pair of rowdy cows hit the streets of Lowell today and engaged in the hilarious prank known as "human tipping" which includes charging humans and flipping them clear over so they land on the soft part of their skulls.

"Dudes! Did you see that?" asks cow Mort. "He was just like 'JESUS CHRIST!' and went _BANG _right on the asphalt!"

"I heard it from here!" cow Bessie acknowledged as the two cows all but fell over from the hilarity of their prank, while nearby humans inched as far back as they possibly could.

"Hey," Mort piped up, spying a character in the crowd. "I know that guy! He's the jerk who tipped me last Monday!"

The jerk, also known as Peter Cromwell, 18, promptly ran for his life, with Mort and Bessie running cheerfully behind him, moving rather quickly for cows. Cromwell had recently played a prank on Mort known as 'cow tipping', the hilarious action of tipping over a sleeping cow—cows sleep standing up. Reporters followed Bessie and Mort as far as they could before tiring out, and found Cromwell fifteen minutes later, sprawled out in the middle of the street, clutching the side of his head and shivering, while the cows and several crowd members laughed at the sheer comic genius of the entire incident.

"Wow," Mort observed, "we really gotta do this more often!"

"Moo!" Bessie agreed, as they searched for another target, eventually locking onto a reporter for a satirical newsletter named _HOLY MOTHER OF—_

**SODIUM HAS ILLICIT AFFAIR WITH CHLORINE**

_"I did not have molecular relations with that anion."_

By Baron Vince

LABORATORY—Full coverage of the ChemLab scandal has finally been released to the public. Sodium and Chlorine, two elements well respected in their periods and families, have finally admitted to a long relationship involving chemical bonding and plenty of shared electrons.

Sodium allegedly shared its positive charge with Chlorine's negative charge, coming together to form Sodium Chloride, also known as table salt. This act outraged the families of both Sodium and Chlorine, which are more peppery kind of elements.

"I would like to apologize to my fellow elements," said Sodium in a recent press release. "I have not been entirely truthful. Indeed I did have an interaction with Chlorine. It was stupid. It was wrong.

"But I do not contribute this relationship to a weakness in character," Sodium went on. "No, it has to do with my molecular buildup. The attraction was just…so great. We both had the same charge number…I'm a cation, Chlorine's an anion, and well…we just really bonded, you know? I'm not sure if it was covalent, nor does it matter."

"I'm extremely disappointed in Sodium," said Hydrogen, which sits on the top of the left side of the periodic table. "It's been a while since an interaction like this took place, and we're ashamed that it started on our end of the table."

"Chlorine has lost the respect of its fellow elements," declared Helium, which lords over the right end of the periodic table. "I can't believe that it submitted to Sodium's advances. I mean, Chlorine, you could have done so much better than Sodium. He ugly."

Added Helium: "At least it wasn't with another element in your family. The last thing we need is incest."

**SURVEY SAYS 89% OF AMERICANS THINK ARIEL SHARON IS FEMALE**

_Well…didn't you?_

By The Experts

TEL AVIV—A recent survey conducted among the American people revealed that 89% of US citizens believe that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon is, in fact, a female.

"I mean, come on, dudes," said Norman Meier of Chicago. "That is so obviously a girl's name. Think about it. 'Ariel'. Who names their baby _boy_ 'Ariel'? Ariel was the name of the Little Mermaid. Everyone knows that!"

"Miss Sharon's last name clearly explains her gender," said Cindy Winnaker of Detroit. "I've never heard of a man named Sharon."

"I know how he feels," says Ashley Kipper, male resident of Orlando. "I used to go by 'Ash' but that Pokémon weirdo ruined that. Why do people do this to their kids?"

When informed that Minister Sharon was indeed male, the surveyed Americans reportedly told Odessa reporters: "Yeah, sure, and beavers just took over Canada."


	9. Issue 9

**ARAFAT ACCUSES SHARON OF WAR CRIMES; EXPLODES SELF IN MALL**

_Down with oppression and hypocrisy!_

By Baron Vince

TEL AVIV—Taking a personal stand in the Middle East conflict, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat accused Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon of war crimes and called upon him to end oppression and hypocrisy. Arafat then activated a nail-filled bomb fitted around his waist and detonated in the crowded Tel Aviv mall, killing fifteen innocents.

"The Israeli invasions of Palestinian neighborhoods are cruel and tyrannical!" Arafat shouted. "Minister Sharon is a corrupt man running a corrupt government, a government laden with deceit, oppression, and hypocrisy!" Seconds later fragments of Mr. Arafat's pelvis broke the skull of Sara Rabin, loving mother of two children.

"For a man who accuses the Palestinians of terrorism and evil, Mr. Sharon, you do a pretty good job yourself! And then you have the gall to point the finger at us!" Nails from the bomb impaled the spine of Yitzhak Rosenblum, a twelve year old who just wanted a new shirt.

"I, Yasser Arafat, spokesman of the Palestinian state, demand that the United Nations recognize our plight, and do proper justice to Sharon, the war criminal who terrorizes innocent people!" Also killed in the blast was a family of six, none of whom had ever so much as thrown a stone at a Palestinian.

The revolutionary party (terrorist group) Hamas immediately claimed responsibility for Arafat's suicide mission, and upon hearing the death count, Hamas members and other Palestinian men, women, and children danced in the street like it was the Fourth of July.

The United States of America broadcast the attack details on every major network, and President Bush expressed his outrage.

Israel, on the other hand, reacted rather sluggishly. Normally they'd calmly and casually send a tank regimen into Palestine, but this time, as tank commander Motti Gorin puts it: "What the hell? There ain't nobody to quarantine!"

**JERRY FALWELL FINALLY GETS AROUND TO HATING CARE BEARS**

It was only a matter of time… 

By Baron Ziegfeld

JERRY FALWELL'S SECRET LAIR—Today religious figurehead Jerry Falwell announced via a press conference that he'd had a revelation regarding the Care Bears—those lovable multicolored little bears who spread peace and happiness—and blamed them for the Somalia incidents of the 90s.

"Is anyone surprised?" Jerry Falwell asked. "No, really, is anyone surprised? You are? Well you shouldn't be! Honestly, how long did you think that the Good Lord was going to tolerate our allowing our children to watch demonic little voodoo dolls run around throwing magic dust and activating strange symbols? Of _course _God was going to cause trouble in Somalia, and forsake our soldiers. How could it have been any plainer for us?"

Falwell referred to the famine of Somalia and the clash of warlords that left the country in shambles and prompted the deployment of US troops to Mogadishu. The US troops received heavy casualties and the then President Clinton brought them home shortly after.

"Now you may ask me, you may say 'Now Jerry, just how exactly do you come to this conclusion?' And I will say to you that I had this realization after watching that movie, what was it? _Slack Jawed Clown?_ Well, whatever the title was, it was all about the Somalia incident, and I got to thinking, I asked myself 'Now why in the world would the Good Lord allow such a thing to happen to those fine upstanding young men?' And then the movie ended, and we switched the channels and there they were…the Care Bears.

"You know of what I speak," Falwell continued. "Those stuffed animals that somehow walk and talk. Only demonic powers could cause something like that to happen. You want further proof that the bears are imbued with Satan's might? Look at the symbols on their bellies. Half moons, suns, rain clouds, all of that druid stuff. Satanic images! And they even glow and take action in the cartoon series. And we let our kids watch this! We sit them down and tell them to watch this show, and then they go out and worship the Dark Powers!

"Well, then it obviously became clear to me that the Good Lord was only sending a message to us, the neglectful elders of America. He punished us, His wayward children, for our blatant disregard of his Word. And that, my brothers and sisters, is why the Somalis shot down our helicopters and mutilated our sons! The Care Bears!"

Stay tuned next week for the next episode of _Jerry Falwell, Professional Dickwad_ in which Jerry chastises Legolas the Elf from _Lord of the Rings_ and his pagan Elf religion for causing the existence of France.

**AREA MAN HAS BUTTERFLIES IN STOMACH; CATERPILLARS IN ESOPHAGUS**

Nature in action! 

By Ludwig

AREA—Area man John Wainwright is twenty minutes away from the audition of his life, and he reportedly has "butterflies in his stomach", leading experts to the conclusion that he must also have caterpillars in his esophagus.

Wainwright has been rehearsing for weeks for this role, and woke up this morning "ready and raring to go". His energy was high as he ate breakfast and looked over his lines one final time. Wainwright then reported to the proper theater where, after receiving word that he would be up in twenty minutes, "I began to get kind of nervous…you know, pre-stage fright, sort of. There are butterflies in my stomach."

"This could be serious," says Wainwright's physician, Lou Dobson, who was informed of his patient's condition by a man who overheard Wainwright at the theater. "If John has these fluttering bugs in his stomach, then we must first look at the fact that these are no ordinary butterflies. An ordinary butterfly would disintegrate in the digestive enzymes that coat the walls of the stomach. These butterflies, if they are still there, have obviously developed some super structure that allows them to survive in this harsh atmosphere."

Then there came the question about how the butterflies managed to infiltrate Wainwright's stomach.

"Butterflies do not start out that way, you know," Dobson explains. "First they are caterpillars, and then they go into cocoons and come out as butterflies. Somehow, while he was eating breakfast, perhaps, John must have gotten a caterpillar on his spoon and it crawled into his esophagus, where it formed a cocoon and vegetated until the butterfly emerged, and found its way into Wainwright's stomach. Now, from the sound of things, John has not one but _several _butterflies in there, which means he really could stand to watch what he's putting into his mouth."

Wainwright claimed that he was "all right" when he went up for his audition, where he performed long and hard for his position as the new Taco Bell spokesman, prior to the vanishing of the Chihuahua. Right at the end, however, he started coughing and hocked up a big slimy caterpillar.

"You're hired!" shouted the director.

"Eet's loco, man," observed the caterpillar as he exited, stage left.

**NO, I DON'T WANT FRIES WITH THAT**

_(Editorial)_

By A Crotchety Old Man

Listen up, whippersnappers! Y'all can call me Ed, and I've got a point to make! Hey, you, siddown and respect yer elders! All right, now, where was I? Oh yes, I'm Ed, and I've got a point to make!

You know those flashy fast food restaurants? Hah! Fast food! There's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one. What's that you say? What does 'oxymoron' mean? Confonnit, don't they teach you kids anything anymore? What's wrong with yer mammy and pappy, sendin' you to these half-baked schools with their new fangled computers? Why when I was your age, we didn't have computers! We had abacuses! I bet you dunno what they are, either! That's fine, I suppose. Hated the damn things, myself. The balls kept popping off.

Now where was I? Oh that's right, fast food! Well when you finally get your order from those sluggish, useless teenagers they got working there—who don't have a single brain cell to call their own—you gotta check it over and over to make sure they didn't screw up and put on something you didn't order, like, say, a cat.

And even before that, when they take your order it's always "Do you want fries with that?" No, I don't want fries with that! If I had wanted fries, well then confonnit I woulda asked for some fries! What makes these people think that everyone wants fries, hmm? When ol' General Custer was getting mowed down by Chief Sittin' Bull, did the chief say "You want fries with that?" When the Nazis opened fire on the Allies on Normandy, did they ask, "You want fries with that?" NO! I know…I was there!

So basically, alls I'm tryin' to say here is, stop askin a man if they want fries with everything. All right, I'm done. Now get over here, whippersnapper! Make some good of yourself and change my colostomy bag!

**ADVANCED ANTI-WRINKLE CREAM KEEPS SKIN, BRAIN LOOKING YOUNG**

_Taking vanity to a whole new level._

By The Experts

SEATTLE—The Seaton cosmetics company has just unveiled a revolutionary new anti-wrinkle cream that will keep your skin and brain looking smooth and young for ages.

The cream is specially designed to both close pores and smooth out skin, and is in effect both an anti-blemish and an anti-wrinkle cream. What really puts Seaton's product on top of the market is its ability to smooth out the many ugly wrinkles of the human brain.

"It is our crowning achievement!" says Jenna Castwillow, the lead designer for the new cream. Castwillow and her team of specialists spent six months developing Seaton's new "Think Straight" cream and only now felt confident in releasing the results. "Think Straight smoothes out all the wrinkles in that big gray mass in your head, and gives you that smooth, healthy, sexy brain you've always wanted!"  
  


To demonstrate, Castwillow called forth Mindy Sheets, who received the first cerebral dose of Think Straight. "Tell 'em what you think of your new, smooth, wrinkle-less brain!"  Sheets stared for about five seconds before shouting "BING BONG!" at the top of her lungs and running into a wall.

"The insanity is just a minor price to pay for beauty!" Castwillow insists.

**_STAFF_**

**Justin The Hun-**editor in chief

**Baron Vince**-managing editor

**Baron Ziegfeld**-assisting editor

**Ludwig**-editor editor

**Kou Cao—**very special editor****

**The Experts**-what a bunch of losers…

There you have it. Volume 3 is on my site…follow the links.


End file.
